Thoughts on the Body

I made my song a coat
Covered with embroideries
Out of old mythologies
From heel to throat;
But the fools caught it,
Wore it in the world's eyes
As though they'd wrought it.
Song, let them take it,
For there's more enterprise
In walking naked. _William Butler Yeats

baby buddah, graphite

The Sources of My Art

As a young girl, I lived with my family in a magical house in the land of the fairytales. It was big, and made of brick, marble, and brass, the windows were shuttered, and the sides and back were completely covered in ivy. Inside were three dark-stained wooden floors. The heat went out frequently in winter, and my mother cooked for us over the fireplace. On the third floor was the forbidden room to us kids, which of course, we found our way to explore. I remember the very first time that door got opened up, because it was forbidden and we had no permission to be there, it was all the more exciting! Then when that door opened, and we saw a room FULL of armor, helmets, feathers, and swords... we realized beyond our wildest dreams that we had discovered a true treasure land for the imaginations of a six, five and 3 1/2 year old!
At the bottom of the drive was a tall wrought iron gate attached to a fence of the same that enclosed the entire compound in which we lived. There was a fruit orchard, and berry patch. A vegetable garden, and a yard full of what as kids, was to us, called sour grass. The yard was terraced, meaning the back area was raised on a level higher than the front, on what all told amounted to maybe a half acre. In the back lived the small herd of sheep and lambs, and that entire private outside world came with a gardener who used to sit at the tall kitchen windows with my mother and speak in the foreign tongue of the place where we all were. It was also the last place we all were a family.
Oh, it was a house we did not get to live in long enough! To my sadness, I found out years later that this was in fact the truth as my mother and brothers and I all returned a year before we were scheduled to.
I have never let go of the memories of that place or time in my own childhood, and I have allowed it to influence how I see myself, and to shape through imaginative memory what my aesthetic, in fact what many of my preferences in life are.

first steps, acrylic on board

Is Behavior Labeled as Confrontation Appropriate, or Is It Simply Misinterpretation?

What does being treated as recognizable mean really? What does being recognizable look like? How does that feel? Assuming recognition-maturity can consciously start with self, to understand this territory of being in the body and having interactions with other spirits in the flesh_ what I have come to, in doing the personal work about looking and recognizing, is how consciously noticing leads to truly seeing. This is what is defined as the art of being awake, wholeheartedly present_ alive in one's own life. Then, in light of looking at or being seen by another, what is the healthiest context for the ego's agenda in regard to holistic self-awareness?

Does it dominantly seem like many only look in order to get? What are first impressions? How can one get passed them to be more commonly recognizable in the eyes of another? Looking, in that context of not seeing seems to seal all future interactions in a state of risk. Only unconsciously looking to get seems to hold all encounters in the reactionary state really_ that of original impressionistic ego-centered intentions. How can one really see this way, recognize self?! Until satisfied, ego-centered intentions continuously unconsciously risk real self-recognition in its encounters with the other person, looking through unconscously hungry eyes from a sleeping inner self. But what is that habituated hunger-for-satisfaction really? Parents can often be this way with their own children, falling in a sort of egocentric love with the newborn, through the lens of their own ideas about self.
What doesn't blatantly seem obvious in my art, as is the common case in life encounters, is the state of lacking self-awareness is what I am always intuitively examining_ asking whether I am seeing clearly, recognizing in the moment who and what is asking to be seen and heard. Often, recognition occurs as a reminder to my own awareness after the painting has been completed_ that this is why I paint. The painting action, and the final image combine to be understood like a mirror to my consciousness, soliciting the abilities to pay attention_ to wake up! Interpersonally, I don't yet experience trust that many people are any more emotionally, or spiritually that self-cognizant for all of humanity's modern advances. Current history-in-the-making is a super mirror to this reality in my observations. Yet, I am always intrigued as to whether one is even available to this form of internal clarity first, in their ideas of relationship. Consequently encounters with others more usually than not, tend to feel like being looked at through the filters of the other's ego-centered, typically unconscious agenda. I have not quite discovered a lot of room to develop trust there. Not until, it seems that personal boundaries are clearly a more commonly experienced cognizant inner relationship habit pattern. This idea then, as an assumption to begin defining interpersonal reality, would be so thoroughly integrated that one could see, hear and recognize another person as that, and as not that in the sweet irony of self-acceptance.
I would like to believe that these current sorts of observations on seeing, are just about me not expecting enough of myself. Perhaps, I have not experienced enough mirroring to recognize the depth of self-esteem that is possible for anyone really. In my years here of distinct vulnerability, while working through the process of self-recognition, I have been accused of shouting to be heard, and I did, as a toddler learns to walk in order to put into practice new-found awarenesses about protecting one's own boundaries. I did so like a moma lion. I was full-time single parenting simultaneously. Those were the therapy years, and I did them alone in a town that is a nest where, there are two distinct sets of choices for seeing and experiencing living. It is a nest, a haven, where one can pull the covers back over one's head and sleep-walk the rest of the way through one's life, or cognizantly choose as I did, to recognize the sweetness of the haven qualities. A place to learn about self in relative safety, and then to learn what it takes to strengthen one's wings without competition. Since this monumental accomplishment, I am not certain that I even have room to learn to fly out of the nest. Is there inertia of place to consider? I think this is what I am attempting_ but being heard courageously would be another journal entry. The two do go together. H-h-help! I can't do any more of this alone!! Meaningful relationship has to orbit in, and for me, now would be a good time.
Looking back it was too easy to be alone as I worked hard. I tested my growth in periodic, daily-routine sorts of encounters with others. Much later, I have realized that surface layer contact in others is not very deep_ it has been too easy to find lack of self esteem everywhere in others here. In the beginning of my new-found strengths and social naïveté, I believed I was simply getting better about being my clear self in order to meet my life-long intuitions_ that of joining up with others in the healthy swim of life around me. I had assumed what I saw was strength, love. Sadly, and still isolated instead, I seem to have managed to have learned to give myself what is not common, yet deserves to be. That of time, to learn and grow in self-recognition.
Now, in returning after an eight year absence from making my art, I will let the new work be interpreted as it will because I better understand that interpretations reflect the viewer's abilities to see, and therefore recognize or not accordingly. It means my understanding of the artist's philosophy that once finished, any work of art has its own life to live in the world.
As I have come to understand, the truth really is, for all the fear-based, stunted lack of healthy growth in ego identity from which everyone enters into the world_ in an unconscious need-agenda to be recognized_ what is possible to come to, is that we really are not separated. This awareness of self-recognition then is much sweeter, more precious.
The highest experiences of conscious attention in living one's life, is to understand that without attachment or aversion, one is able to choose to learn to recognize that interaction after all, is in the company of one's own true self_ the essential nature. What I ask of my work now as the artist of life: what then is needed to proliferate the environment that most commonly will foster a natural human tendency, for the highest possible choice-making qualities about self-awareness, for many more people? In other words, what are our most optimum conditions that we are very practically capable of creating right now, in which to safely, more fully flourish into our own unique conscious sense of self? Can I paint the indications of possibility to capture the attention for those environmental considerations? Can I paint more accurately that might ignite spontaneous recognition?
From my own earliest choices to seek out the relative safety of the nested environment, looking out, I know this ego-centered, self-indulgent stuff rampant in the world now, ain't it. Finding by recognizing more and more courageously what is "it," is the real focus for attention in living life. A life of sight that is full in self-recognition. Tricky!
Look. See. Breath. Feel. Notice without distraction. Learn to consciously name without attachment or aversion, beginning with self.

waiting II

Simmering Inspiration!!

I've just gotten off the phone with an acquaintance, after I had called him to describe a concept forming in my brain about ways of making money on localized, accessible levels. An on-going theme with me.
This concept is about looking at my local surroundings with this idea that has been buzzing in the back of my brain for many years. To figure out what is right in front of me, about the pluses in one's quality of life in small town living. It is the experience I have every time I go visiting the city, and upon leaving hit a spot on the interstate where I experience my breath opening back up in a state of relief again. It's true I love to visit the city! Yet, I love what I think is the freedom of leaving to go back home where the air opens up, because I just breath better in what I value as some measure of uninterrupted space around me. When I breath well, my mind is more calm_ this is the stuff that just makes me healthy. So why not share a portion of it?
Where I live is a verdant valley that is alive with poverty-stricken organic growers. I mean, as brutal as this contradictory statement sounds, the point of it is that many folks love doing, making, growing things that then are harvested and taken to market, but farmers have never made real money no matter what stripe of growing practices you practice! Fast forward: very old concept going to market, right? Being in the abundant market place environment on a beautiful day, and in this locale that includes those liquid-beauty days_ everything looks luscious, and the people selling, seem to be happy healthy souls, living what we urbanites may barely register consciously, but unconsciously fantasize, is the perfect life of simplicity. You know its true, especially when we have prepared their wares, and put an absolutely stunningly, deliciously fresh meal on the table, to share with our most cherished people in the world. In the back of the brain for everyone is this auto-respite that takes shape, and the dining experience we think only we have originated is most always really enjoyable. WHY? Because we know how fresh the food is, we have met the growers that day, we may have asked about growing practices, or listened to the dedicated care that is committed to growing what comes to the marketplace, and ultimately to our tables. So inside we do subconsciously know, that we are also a considerable part of this web of simple goodness_ not to mention just getting out in fresh air, and getting away from time even for a little while! Think about this now, because this is the kind of epicurean simplicity, for example, that commands high prices in the exotic and far removed venues. Simplicity, as I have learned through the practice of yoga, is the house of the profound. (More on this bit of philosophy in another journaling foray.)

Well, I have said that cooking has always been my first art, so, my idea for about thirteen years now_ hey! I have been busy raising my daughter and putting the building blocks into my foundation, alone! Besides GOOD things still take time, no matter what country one lives in.
Anyway, my idea is about ways to recreate the spa/retreat concept but on a more localized level; networking with local farmers on their land, those who have planned ahead for other venues of money-making concepts who have the facilities to rent, where then to bring our various local skills, talents, abilities in order to co-create the local week-end retreat for the weary metro-ite. I call it, 'bringing the city mice back to the humble estates of the country mice' for a week-end getaway of such experiences as good, fresh food, organic growing practices education, and practical-app, activities like yoga, shamanic astrology (such as my friendly acquaintance practices), wine tasting, massage, etc...starting to sound like the bigger far-off places that cost a lot?
Fast-forward: so who would make up this list of presenters? Local-level talents, and the local-level skilled whose names may never be top-billing because that's not their bag, but whose abilities definitely fall into the unsung heros camp. For you the possible consumer, there is the localized option of the week-end get-away that is attainable, close-by, at prices that leave the "middle-man" out! Think about the expense of working long and hard enough to save just enough for the fare, and then the hassles of today's air-travel, making phone reservations with snooties on the way other end, the fatigue on Monday morning after round-trip traveling in too short a time-frame... think about it!
This more localized getting away close-by for ordinary folks, has the built-in rewards of working hard to make contact with one's neighbors' skills. It is money in the local economy. Hey! the farmers, and local folk may come to the city more often for the wares of the city sisters and brethren mice! On the week-end metro-ites would venture to partake of the harvest brought in by the people of more local resources and skills, who are really just as good as the big top people, only much closer!!
Hey, I like this, AND I am a good cook, have taught a little yoga, and in the right setting, I know how to take your attention to the zone of inner relaxation! Need a chef-for-hire, or adjunct yogini for your local spa/retreat, organic-education, or any theme you and the land-owners agree to- event?!
This idea is copyrighted! © I just want the royalties of (hm-m-m, in?) lifelong massages, yoga classes, fresh food, and a shoppers access to what offerings are on tap in the new, & local week-end retreat zone!
Like this concept? Tell me what you think?! Let's flesh out the details, and start building the network! I know 'they'll come!'

Land of Plenty Series, oil

Charlie Rose Interview

As I begin to write this entry tonight, I realize there may be silly, cowardly, debatist, reactionary, niggling, backbiting, finger pointing responses that always seem willing to risk objectifying any statement that is made, concerning any call to responsibility, on the part of the voting population of this country. I am thinking of the sort of entrenched thinking that tends toward a heavily filtered, past-focused, and sometimes foolish literality in the mirror of the corporate media_ talk about doe-eyed in the headlights! In my attempts to begin engaging perspectives of active resistance to differences, I do have my own share of defensive frustration I freely admit, and...
However socially inflaming this entry may be misinterpreted, write it I will:
Senator Ted Kennedy has said in his interview with Charlie Rose tonight, that one of the most significant ways the currently oppressive administration (which is only as oppressive as we the people, have been willing to keep our collective mouths shut!), stands to be effective to challenge what is right by our troops in Iraq_ is for the American people to raise their voices, and take responsibility to be heard concerning this debacle of what steps we are to take to get our over extended, inadequately-provisioned troops OUT of Iraq. That this is THE most horrendous foreign policy mistake this country has ever made in recent history. If these sorts of statements are not a call for DEMOCRATIC self-recognition_ then, what other two-by-four wake-up call does this country require? Time's up!
Now, stand up America, and TAKE responsibility for the quality-level life we really want in this country for our entire national family!!! Stop bickering like a bunch of inbred, spoiled brats. Blue collar family histories. White collar family histories. Only cowardly immaturity finger-points back and forth, back and forth repetitiously across the isle over the most superficial of differences. Euw, you wear red! Euw, you wear blue! Grow up, and color coordinate! Difference coordinate, and pitch to your strengths FOR A CONSTRUCTIVE CHANGE. Of course we believe differently, of course we see differently, of course we approach solutions differently. That is the point of this country. Duh! But who has threatened to turn it into the Divided States of America? Who is at fault? Is this the WAY to approach effective responsible change, by finding fault?? Wrong.
THE best place on the planet to grow in self-esteem, and self-confidence, to see oneself only as impeded as one believes oneself to be, or to be as capably familiar with the territory of differences in reaching consensus, that leads to collective solutions, as consciously living in the shining star to the entire rest of the world that, is called America, ONLY if this is what we believe of this country, and our privileged place living inside her borders! What! YOU didn't get the biggest, and best gift under the Christmas tree_ attitude?! Is this shaming you? If so, then perhaps a good question might be, why are you gullible to that?
Working hard for the common good in life is a process folks. Global market competition, poowee. Deal with Iraq first. Confront the elitist economic strategists in their ivory-tower stratisphere when we get the troops back on home soil. Let's mature for a change without fear for our potential successes right here where we live, and own property, and pay our taxes! Get up! get up! Dare yourself to find value in the differences around you, like you are grateful for the country in which you live, and your family has helped build, and your roots go back generations or NOT, but grateful none-the-less that you have choices to make with. Not more cash, not the most toys on some ego, rat race, death wish, not the more childish behavior, and lack of self-control, or personal discipline than our own actual children. Look at yourself, look in the mirror in your heart, and be quiet when you do. No conditions, no expectations. None! Then be very, very gentle with yourself when you begin to really see, so you can actually begin to hear the non-judgemental truth about how to proceed. Stand up in love, and take responsible action! We are all in this national mess now because we have all gotten ourselves here. So, HOW are we going to get out? That's all. Stand up now!

L'orgie du Printemps
oil on board