On Thursday evenings from 6 to 9, I am attending social service agency-level series on money awareness. I really cried in that class last night...it was a crisis experience for me. Listening to a twenty-something lead the class with the sheltered, good-child's youthfulness of: 'cover-all-the-material-in-the-time-allotted, life-in-a-straight-line perception.' Hey! What's so hard about this stuff_ is probably the developmental view on reality that dominates for this youngster's life-view at this point... It's a drag for me as the idealist and artist. I really counted, a lot more than I know how to change right now, on the off-spring of my generation to be cultural allies, and to be so much more enlightened because they are the off-spring of my generation who collectively have looked beyond the veil. You kids have been cheated, and now you are no more than programed to be good corporate fodder. Guarding your own thoughts in trade only for money!
My journal writing here is not for soapboxing, and this sadness I feel today, is principally about what is unresolved yet in my own life: the relationship to money. Poor money, it's just an abstract concept really, but its power is in the idea really that it is an abstract that has global agreement_ I mean entire countries, like the good ole U.S. of A. are built on this abstract idea!
It 's power then, is really in the world-wide, subconscious agreement that keeps spinning through us all. So, what provoked my crisis responses in the 'Financial Fitness' class last night?
Very simply, all the anxietal tension that accompanies the subject.
This entry may take a lot of hits that result in more avoidance, but I write on the subject because it is deeply part of my work as an artist_ not just in reciprocity in the market but also on the canvas. So much of human subconscious self-worth is entangled, unresolved here in this concept that is called money. Since very young, I have just wanted to function as the artist in a world where more are clear and brave about money and worth. I think this view was at the core of my childhood logic of wanting to leave and find my real family. That the two, a human being and money can stand independent of each other, and, where love for one another is not caught in the web between. That's the part I believe that is unconscious in all of us the world over. Internally we are not separated from the values about self that we place on money, nor hence are our relationships with money itself, or as a result, are those relationships any more clear with each other. On some level everyone's everything is tied to this unresolved set of ideas about self-worth on an abstract concept that amounts to no more than the energy of exchange, using paper and metals as symbols of worth.
I was sad last night to the point of tears at the memories and still am processing the residue of that sadness today, because I grew up around adults with an overwhelming set of messages for a child to encounter, as they expressed very unhealthy dependency on the ideas of money and personal worth or identity.
My journaling in this blog, alludes to notions that I have done a lot of personal work to change (this) family past in my life even as it materially is not good right now. All changes in their time, the dominant chaos that impacted my childhood is not to be my daughter's inherited influences. At this point money issues are emerging for their turn to be recognized and acknowledged, in all the ways I have learned, now having done the main psychological and emotional healing work of the past, for both our benefit. This new work leading my awareness, will impact what is historically internal, yet in the near future will predictably gain in greater inner cognizance. Clearer integration about being available to, as well as deserving of, supportive relationships that can be trusted. Growing more independent of the past chaos that once, were only strong but confused instincts about self-worth. The cumulative consequences long-term? Healthier internalized references about exchanging energy with others through my art_ the facilitating means from childhood for understanding healthier self-possibilities. It has been, and continues to be, a lot of good hard work_ and that real family imagined as a young child, then sought out in the world, is made up of two at this point.
visiting summer rose, acrylic on board
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