What is your point here, Kerrie? One: that inserting someone else's writing into my journaling is a long-standing practice. What I call here online a breadcrumb pageant of personal wisdom, inspiration, thoughtfulness, and motivation that I want to share with many other people now.
Two: having a place to further one's own conversation with the world on what is being developed through art productivity, and writing from a unique personal standard to build the working foundation under an individual life_ a w-i-p since 1972! This standard embodies deeply held desires and the goal to become reasonably materially successful in the world as a single person. In this case as a single woman_ not too UNCOMMON anymore, right? However, because this direction in life is not destructively selfish just commonly unfamiliar, and I have gotten this far alone_ my life is currently without any immediate, or externally supportive spontaneity since my daughter left for college. I keep working to get out of this place but yet my life is just stuck!
I want, yes I said, I want a more worldly life of action with others. For me, that would follow a continuity, that mine is a life outside that general social anesthetism of the senses. A life that does not deny what is seen, felt, touched, experienced, understood personally, wondered about outloud, explored, or discovered internally through trusted astute observations that are brave and hence shared no matter how intimate, within reason. My life always has been expressing that which gets the messenger in trouble. My experiences growing up were dominated by being harshly criticized as odd, and being frequently left out of the circle of family acceptance. That of habitually denying from the intensely, negatively harsh criticizing reactions, having just witnessed what was real! What is now called "shielding." Or in other circles, "a presbyterian habit of burying real feelings." I wish the affect was that simple on a child trying to grow up in the chaos and abuse.
This family history profile then, in combination with the therapy years, being the student of eastern healing modalities, all combined with a focused single-parenting of both of us_ has lead to strengthening and clarifying individual voice. Duh!
Yet, so far either online or in real life I encounter: 'don't tell me the details of your struggles to get to your successes until you ARE successful.' (More shielding?) So far, in this global village, it seems journaling and art posting continues to be encountered only with those who do read and listen quietly, privately, but who also keep moving on. Is it because the reader traffic is dominantly young and still forming the individual foundation of values? Is what I post too different? This is the point, correct? So, don't be afraid, or negatingly insecure_ just try to balance personal voice without reactionism-only, is all.
For me, this phenom is just not clear why not knowing about each other is seemingly prevalently preferred. Is it the convenience of emotional sterility that won't distract from being in marketplace-killer mode? What?!
I am already paying the price of social isolation for this very human path, and more than ready for that to end. A reasonable period of rest would be nice, in fact on order from these recent years in the trenches, before I jump into the main confluence of life... affording it is tricky right now without apt alliances, and this is also the point.
Many women, couples, men of a more conservative history in my experiences, perhaps men at all now that I look back_ nevertheless, people seem to take for granted the cumulative ways rest is built into their own life; a day at the beach, a trip to the beauty parlor, a facial, a massage, a week-end on the river with the guys, or just time at the end of the day checking in with the spouse who happens to bring home pizza from time-to-time. Even the presence of another adult on a regular basis, with whom you know you can count on to debrief even a little, makes a lot of difference in the quality effects of carrying any sustained responsibility over the long haul. I have had to do it all, and by myself.
Now though, I sometimes wonder why it has been so easy to remain alone in a world full of other people. The town I have lived in like a hero for my daughter and myself, does not easily foster people just showing up at the door with goodwill_ it is a quirky social corner by reputation. Just not one that is easily decipherable at a distance... so after thirty years with a deep desire to follow through on the original plan to move on, I am stuck. No resources, no allies in this individuating process.
I have a lot to offer, just not a fit where I am. I confess that I didn't want to fit either, but don't be too quick to judge, I am a friendly sort, and my reasoning still is sound on this front.
I am an artist in need of greater access to a more sophisticated metro-market environment, and I like greater flexibility present in my abilities to make choices. So my valid question is: anybody out there available to interact / to play, with maturity, with effective helpfulness?
study after Thomas Hart Benton,
prisma color on archival paper
No comments:
Post a Comment